But that's okay, I like being sad.

This has got to be my favourite entry on Thought Catalog.

I like being sad. I like feeling utterly alone or helpless or dark or all three at once. I like lying in bed and crying or just laying in bed, staring at my ceiling, brooding over the train wreck my life seems to be. I like feeling sorry for myself. I like being miserable and touchy and quiet. I relish in the question, “Are you okay?” I get off on looking ominous and answering with a quiet, “Yeah……(read, prolonged silence) I’m fine I guess.”

I don’t feel sad because I’m depressed. I don’t feel depressed because I’m crazy. I like being sad because sad inspires me. I like being sad because sad gives me courage to say things. Sad gives me an excuse — more than anger or euphoria or mundaneness — to speak my mind. Sad sometimes even gives me a free pass for the things that escape my lips when I receive said courage.

I like being sad because it gives me time — time to reflect, be quiet, be still, and just think. Sad allows me to center myself. It allows me to regroup, reorganize, and throw things together in ways that I never would have thought of had I been happy. Happiness is distracting, complicated, and subjective. Sad is simple, clean, and focused.

I know no one else likes it when I’m sad. The responses range from empathetic sorrow to annoyance to eventual rage from those closest to me over the frustrating assortment of emotions I always display.

“But you said [insert something I said while happy here].”

“Well I’ve changed my mind because now I’m sad and unless you can get me either super drunk or super laid in the next thirty seconds, it’s not happening.”

Cue stage one of quiet resentments radiating from those around me.

Even when sad pushes people away, even when sad isolates me, even when sad makes me lose things or places or people, I still like being sad.

I like being sad because I feel closest to myself when I am sad. Because, let’s be honest, who sits down — while happy — to write poetry or think about the course their life might be headed on or do anything productive. No. When you are young and happy you are burning daylight. You are dancing and laughing and loving and…well, not being sad. But being young and sad brings with it a veil of maturity. Staying in, staying sober, and staying alone has their perks in the form of productivity and sometimes even some online shopping (unless you are staying in and not staying sober but that’s an entirely different sad that I like).

Writing this just made me sad. But that’s okay.

I like being sad.

(from Thought Catalog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-like-being-sad/)

here dis iz a random donut 4 u

haz a naise dae

Only a visitor, not permanent.

I have never been good with goodbyes.

Which is why I always try to keep a healthy distance between me and the people I make friends with. It's not that I block myself from making friends or anything. It's just that I constantly remind myself that I can survive just fine without anyone, friends are just a bonus. I don't need no one. Because I hate it when people leave, because I can't handle change, because I can't handle the transition from being attached to detached. Or maybe it's just because I really don't need anyone.

Do you know that feeling when you see someone you used to be so close to with a new group of friends? The feeling of replacement, unwantedness? It's not like we quarreled or anything. It's just that as time goes by, relationships fade. We all have our separate lives and I guess we just don't need each other anymore. That's the worst in my opinion, the fact that everything stopped so gradually and subtly. No more common memories will be made anymore and you didn't even know. You didn't even have the chance to salvage or cherish more.

We would end up staying up late at night wondering about how things could've been, wishing things turned out the way you hoped it did.

It saddens me how people can drift apart from each other so easily. It makes me wonder how they found it so easy to throw away all the memories and the happiness they shared. It's like the string that bound them together never existed. Or maybe there was never a string to begin with, which was why they were able to just walk away without looking back.

Such a pity, isn't it? But that's just life, there was nothing much I could've done anyway. I've loved and I've lost. 

To all the people that I've met in my life, especially those who were close to me, thank you for all the good memories. You have no idea how much you mean to me. 

Ending this entry with some quotes that warmed my heart.

"Someday everything will make perfect sense. So, for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a good reason." 

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. because it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead. "