Kindness Begins with Yourself

I've been too hard on myself.

Everyone has the right to feel what they feel, but all this while I've denied myself this right — thinking that it was all my fault that this happened. 

"Be the bigger person Fang, forgive and bury the hatchet."

I've tried to push everything aside and start over. I forgave, and I tried. I tried to control the jealousy and feelings of betrayal. But every Snapchat/tweet/Instagram picture, I just ache a little inside. I used to be there doing that, but not anymore. I feel like I'm a bad person, letting negativity get the better of me. It almost feels like being forced to hang out with my ex lover and his new girlfriend and pretend I'm comfortable. 

I looked at myself become bitter and bitchy and thought, what is wrong with me? This shouldn't even affect me? This is nothing. People have the right to make new friends with one another if they clicked better.

Well if new friendships were natural occurences that can't be helped, I believe I too deserve to be true to how I feel (which also can't be help). The fact is, I should feel sad, I should feel betrayed. Every emotion has a reason and it won't go away until it has taught us what needed to be learnt. All along I was convinced that I needed to stop whatever I was feeling, that I just needed to be more understanding and kind. But I wasn't treated the same way, no effort was made to consider my feelings. If anyone else had been in my situation, they'd understand, hopefully.

Be kind to others, but be kinder to yourself.

Maybe Second Best is the Best

“May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave.”

—	Kate Forsyth

It's already a month into 2015 and I haven't done my annual sum up of 2014 hahaha.. 2014 was the best year of my life so far. If you guys have been following my (pretty much desert-like) blog for the past few years, my annual year reviews were something like

"this year was tough" 

"this year was a roller-coaster" 

"probably my worst year yet"

Well on the contrary, 2014 was rather smooth sailing for me. 2014 was in fact the best year I've probably had. Of course, the major highlight was meeting Didier. 

We are always so obsessed with Firsts - first time you kissed someone, first time you held hands, first time you loved someone, first time you had your heart utterly broken by another human. However, we don't give enough credit to Seconds - when someone picked up the fallen pieces of your heart, showed you you deserved much more love than you were shown, made you fall in love once more despite of your wary heart.

I don't believe in getting into flings and relationships that have no substance, however, I do believe in loving freely and deeply and giving yourself ample chances. When I first met Didier (January 2014), I was well recovered from my previous heartbreak, very comfortable with being alone and I didn't want to get into a new relationship because I was convinced that I'd be better alone.

So when Didier and I were in our going-out phase, I was reluctant to get together with him. I even told Candace, "I'm like 90% sure I won't get together with Didier". There was nothing wrong with him, I just did not want to give another person a chance to shatter my heart once more. I was afraid, and I didn't want to take the risk.

However, as we continued to hang out, I knew Didier was different. I felt so comfortable with him. We didn't have much in common, in fact we differed greatly in our interests. But something felt right, we were on the same frequency. I found myself being 100% Fang Rong to someone, something that I've never done before with anyone. I never knew I could be loved and accepted for all my flaws. He made me love once more, after being convinced that I might possibly never find love ever again. I could go on and on forever on how special he is as a person but that'd take too much effort and.....I'm lazy hahahaha

All jokes aside, thank you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My Superman

All of you who feel lonely and rejected, listen up now. Everything happens for a good reason. A few months before I met Didier I was at the pit bottom of my life, everything was horribly wrong. I was very sad and the future just seemed so bleak. But suddenly, something in me realised that I had the power to change my life around. I actively sought for help and read books that motivated me tremendously. I used that sadness positively and empowered myself to have a positive outlook of people and life. I had time to heal and to become one with myself and my emotions. All that made me emotionally and mentally stable and ready for a healthy relationship when I met Didier. Looking back now, I'm glad I felt unloved and broken before I met Didier. Because now I know, God was saving me for someone special.

Love yourself first. “Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.”

In other news, I took a big leap of faith and entered a new school in 2014. Turned out to be an amazing decision as well as now I very much enjoy studying and going to school :-) I've proven to myself yet again, always do something you love and enjoy (heart) > something that is more practical (head). 

Other stuff that happened to me in 2014 made me a sour person. I found myself consumed in jealousy and negativity and I feel like I have changed so much since February last year. I was so positive and hopeful. Now trusting people required some sort of consideration. But I guess the most important thing is to be self-aware. I am aware that I haven't been my best self lately, and I am going to start with small baby steps to steer myself back to the right direction. Life is a constant process of self-improvement. And like I always believed, "Change the way you think, change your life". Forgive. :-)

As a whole, 2014 was very kind towards me and I love my life very much right now. 

Thought your first love was magical? Wait till your second.