Fix Yourself

This Thought Catalog summed up my thoughts. Happiness comes from within. Love with compassion and without expectations.

Here is how you love without expectation: 

You love yourself first. Not necessarily most or best, but first. You don’t cancel plans that you were excited about because somebody else wanted your time. You don’t rearrange your schedule to accommodate a person who may bail at the last moment anyway. You are strict with yourself – even when you want to give in to the impulses of others –because you know that what you want and what you need is not always the same thing. 

You need someone you can rely on and that person has to be you. At the end of the day, if everyone else bails and flakes and fails to show, you will still be there. So don’t look at yourself as a sad consolation prize. Put in the work. Become someone you’re proud of. If you’re who you’re left with at the end of the day, be happy with who you’ve ended up with. Make sure it’s someone you’d pick over a flakey, unreliable love interest or friend. 

To love without expectation, you choose honesty in your own endeavours. If you don’t want games, you stop playing them. You text back. You show up. You say what you mean and you don’t make time for maybes. In a world full of dishonest people, you choose not to become one of them, even if that makes you lose a foolish game or two. Like attracts like and if you’re looking for straightforward, no-nonsense people, you will have to become one. So you wean out a few losers on the way there. So what. You’re becoming who you want to be. 

To love without expectation, you show compassion. You remember the times when you’ve lied and cheated and fell short of the expectations other people set for you, and you forgive yourself for them. You understand that you had a liability but you did not live up to it and while you may not be okay with your choices, there was a reason why the cards fell the way that they did. You remember that reason. You remember that other people may have similar reasons when they let you down – reasons that have nothing to do with you at all. 

You learn to detach from your personal investment in why people do what they do, because chances are it doesn’t exist. You understand that you have infinitely less to do with other people’s actions than you’ve always believed. And you learn to be fine with that. Learn to be free within it, even. 

To love without expectation, you learn what’s not in your control. You understand that everyone has their own demons and nobody owes it to you to fight them. At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away. There is no in between. There is no bartering, bargaining, expecting and falling short in love. There is just choosing to be there or to not. Anything in between is a tired, self-interested excuse for love. 

To love without expectation, you learn to appreciate what’s there. Other people are not ours to own or rearrange or expect things from and the more anticipation we pit onto others, the more we let ourselves down in the end. All we can do is appreciate who we have when we have them, and let them go when we do not. To lend our hearts like vacant hotel rooms: celebrating others when they come in and letting them go when they leave. Understanding that at the end of the day, all we can do is refuse occupancy. But we cannot force anyone to stay. 

To love without expectation, you have to be okay with yourself. Okay with opening your doors, spreading your arms, baring your heart and understanding that not everyone is going to be gentle with it. You have to know that you can recover from those aches, that you can heal your own wounds, that you can trust yourself to walk away from the situations that do not grow or aid you. 

Because here’s the thing about placing expectations on others: at the root of expectation is need. Need for others to accept you, to validate you, to tell you that you’re good and worthwhile and strong. And if you can do that for yourself – if you can live up to your own expectations and desires, then the need for other people to do so disappears. The need to bend over backwards, to accommodate others, to seek validation from those who do not deserve your heart, disappears. 

Who to love and who to leave becomes simple. And expectation slides out the window. 

(from Thought Catalog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/07/here-is-how-you-love-without-expectation/)

Overcoming Flaws

It irks me when things don't go my way, I can get very annoyed in fact. Simple daily things like dropping my phone or missing the bus or when plans don't go as planned. I lose my temper, whine and complain. In almost every aspect of my life I am pretty insecure too — my appearance, my personality, my talents etc. You might think, "How can you be insecure? You certainly don't seem insecure!" Well, there's always someone better, and comparison is a battle I’m still fighting. I just can't accept things the way they are.

I watched this TED talk in class a few days ago and it inspired me. Do watch the video if you have some time.

Kathryn Schulz raised a point on culture having a role to play in the chase for perfectionism and I thought it was really true.


"Think back for a moment to elementary school. You're sitting there in class, and your teacher is handing back quiz papers, and one of them looks like this (right). This is not mine, by the way. (Laughter) So there you are in grade school, and you know exactly what to think about the kid who got this paper. It's the dumb kid, the troublemaker, the one who never does his homework. So by the time you are nine years old, you've already learned, first of all, that people who get stuff wrong are lazy, irresponsible dimwits -- and second of all, that the way to succeed in life is to never make any mistakes.

We learn these really bad lessons really well. And a lot of us -- and I suspect, especially a lot of us in this room -- deal with them by just becoming perfect little A students, perfectionists, over-achievers. Right,Mr. CFO, astrophysicist, ultra-marathoner? (Laughter) You're all CFO, astrophysicists, ultra-marathoners, it turns out. Okay, so fine. Except that then we freak out at the possibility that we've gotten something wrong. Because according to this, getting something wrong means there's something wrong with us. So we just insist that we're right, because it makes us feel smart and responsible and virtuous and safe."

Since young, we have been accustomed to think that making mistakes = imperfect = failure = not “normal” = not accepted.

Don't follow the social norms? Delinquent. Weirdo.

Failed your math test again? You stupid or what. Forget about your dream to be a doctor lah.

Ew you’re too ugly/fat/skinny/socially awkward...

We were taught not to be okay with ourselves. We were taught that being different is wrong. That there's only one ideal. We wind up desperately trying to change ourselves. Plastic surgery, hiding in the closet pretending to be straight, having more friends so you can validate yourself. And it feels terrible. It sucks, that it is absolutely normal to feel uncomfortable in our own skin.

You might think it’s a little exaggerated or like “err obviously right Fang? If not what should our world be based on? The more flaws the better?” Well no. It is true that striving for excellence is the essence of human progress. If people gave up trying just because they kept falling from the bicycle, no one would learn how to cycle.

However, the TED talk reminded me that I couldn’t control everything. I am only human. For awhile, I was so consumed with what I couldn't be and forgot all that I simply am right now.

And everyone struggles. The pretty picture they paint on their social media is not an accurate depiction of their lives. The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our "behind-the-scenes" with everyone else's highlight reel.  We fail to see the good that we are because we are so blinded by what we think is good. So don't be jealous of others, don't compare. You are uniquely you and you have something everyone else doesn't have. You don't have to change yourself to fit in.

Life is so much more than all the trivial and materialistic things we worry about. I believe that in order to obtain inner peace and my ideal being, I need to just let things be. Simply be.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

— Marcus Aurelius 

I am sure many of you have probably heard the phrase “Let it be” or “Que sera, sera”. It just means that instead of struggling to change things we cannot change, we should change the way we think about it. We must understand that many things are not within our control and everything is pretty much unpredictable.  Only when we are able to come to terms with the fluidity that is life, will we be able to sail along with the currents and not get washed over. When we wish for things and we do not understand that it might possibly not go our way, we get beaten down and disappointed when it really doesn’t turn out right. But if we understand that we can’t control everything, we will be calm in the face of adversity and we will also be in a better state to solve the problem.

It's not that we should leave everything up to fate and stop working hard for the things we want,  but sometimes when things don't go our way we just need to take a deep breath and accept it. You don't have to be anyone else, just your best self.

I'm flawed, but I'm alive and that's something to be happy about.

Alek Wek's mother told her she was beautiful all the time, and she believed it.

Who tf is Alexa??????

Some of you might be wondering "WTF? Since when was Fang Rong's name Alexa?".. Well here's the explanation.

Being a little girl with a Chinese name while everyone else had "cool" English names, I've always wanted an English name ever since I was young. I've wanted to look for a name that started with the letter A because both my siblings' self-given English names began with an A (Ashley, Aaron). So when I was in primary school I tried a couple of names like Angel (omg) and Arielle (oooomg) but they never lasted. When I was secondary two, I came across the names Alexa and Alexis and I fell in love with them.  I love how they looked and sounded but more importantly I love the meaning.

Alexa/Alexis
Form of Alexander. From the Greek name Αλεξις (Alexis), which meant "helper" or "defender" of mankind, derived from Greek αλεξω (alexo) "to defend, to help". 

If you were close to me then, you'd know that I really REALLY loved those names. However, I felt that it was too late to change my name because everyone already knew me as Fang Rong or Fang. So although I really identified with those names, I let them slide.


Recently, I met a new friend and she also had a Chinese name but coincidentally she named herself Alexa too. We talked about it for a bit and it really set me thinking and gave me a boost to try the name Alexa once more. I bravely (yes, it required a fair amount of courage) added Alexa to my Instagram name to kinda test the name out. It has been about three weeks now and I'm actually really liking it!

I will start introducing myself as Alexa to new people from now on and maybe in a couple of years I'll add Alexa into my NRIC. 




Signing off,
Foo Fang Rong, Alexa ;-)

Kindness Begins with Yourself

I've been too hard on myself.

Everyone has the right to feel what they feel, but all this while I've denied myself this right — thinking that it was all my fault that this happened. 

"Be the bigger person Fang, forgive and bury the hatchet."

I've tried to push everything aside and start over. I forgave, and I tried. I tried to control the jealousy and feelings of betrayal. But every Snapchat/tweet/Instagram picture, I just ache a little inside. I used to be there doing that, but not anymore. I feel like I'm a bad person, letting negativity get the better of me. It almost feels like being forced to hang out with my ex lover and his new girlfriend and pretend I'm comfortable. 

I looked at myself become bitter and bitchy and thought, what is wrong with me? This shouldn't even affect me? This is nothing. People have the right to make new friends with one another if they clicked better.

Well if new friendships were natural occurences that can't be helped, I believe I too deserve to be true to how I feel (which also can't be help). The fact is, I should feel sad, I should feel betrayed. Every emotion has a reason and it won't go away until it has taught us what needed to be learnt. All along I was convinced that I needed to stop whatever I was feeling, that I just needed to be more understanding and kind. But I wasn't treated the same way, no effort was made to consider my feelings. If anyone else had been in my situation, they'd understand, hopefully.

Be kind to others, but be kinder to yourself.

Maybe Second Best is the Best

“May my heart be kind, my mind fierce, and my spirit brave.”

—	Kate Forsyth

It's already a month into 2015 and I haven't done my annual sum up of 2014 hahaha.. 2014 was the best year of my life so far. If you guys have been following my (pretty much desert-like) blog for the past few years, my annual year reviews were something like

"this year was tough" 

"this year was a roller-coaster" 

"probably my worst year yet"

Well on the contrary, 2014 was rather smooth sailing for me. 2014 was in fact the best year I've probably had. Of course, the major highlight was meeting Didier. 

We are always so obsessed with Firsts - first time you kissed someone, first time you held hands, first time you loved someone, first time you had your heart utterly broken by another human. However, we don't give enough credit to Seconds - when someone picked up the fallen pieces of your heart, showed you you deserved much more love than you were shown, made you fall in love once more despite of your wary heart.

I don't believe in getting into flings and relationships that have no substance, however, I do believe in loving freely and deeply and giving yourself ample chances. When I first met Didier (January 2014), I was well recovered from my previous heartbreak, very comfortable with being alone and I didn't want to get into a new relationship because I was convinced that I'd be better alone.

So when Didier and I were in our going-out phase, I was reluctant to get together with him. I even told Candace, "I'm like 90% sure I won't get together with Didier". There was nothing wrong with him, I just did not want to give another person a chance to shatter my heart once more. I was afraid, and I didn't want to take the risk.

However, as we continued to hang out, I knew Didier was different. I felt so comfortable with him. We didn't have much in common, in fact we differed greatly in our interests. But something felt right, we were on the same frequency. I found myself being 100% Fang Rong to someone, something that I've never done before with anyone. I never knew I could be loved and accepted for all my flaws. He made me love once more, after being convinced that I might possibly never find love ever again. I could go on and on forever on how special he is as a person but that'd take too much effort and.....I'm lazy hahahaha

All jokes aside, thank you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My Superman

All of you who feel lonely and rejected, listen up now. Everything happens for a good reason. A few months before I met Didier I was at the pit bottom of my life, everything was horribly wrong. I was very sad and the future just seemed so bleak. But suddenly, something in me realised that I had the power to change my life around. I actively sought for help and read books that motivated me tremendously. I used that sadness positively and empowered myself to have a positive outlook of people and life. I had time to heal and to become one with myself and my emotions. All that made me emotionally and mentally stable and ready for a healthy relationship when I met Didier. Looking back now, I'm glad I felt unloved and broken before I met Didier. Because now I know, God was saving me for someone special.

Love yourself first. “Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.”

In other news, I took a big leap of faith and entered a new school in 2014. Turned out to be an amazing decision as well as now I very much enjoy studying and going to school :-) I've proven to myself yet again, always do something you love and enjoy (heart) > something that is more practical (head). 

Other stuff that happened to me in 2014 made me a sour person. I found myself consumed in jealousy and negativity and I feel like I have changed so much since February last year. I was so positive and hopeful. Now trusting people required some sort of consideration. But I guess the most important thing is to be self-aware. I am aware that I haven't been my best self lately, and I am going to start with small baby steps to steer myself back to the right direction. Life is a constant process of self-improvement. And like I always believed, "Change the way you think, change your life". Forgive. :-)

As a whole, 2014 was very kind towards me and I love my life very much right now. 

Thought your first love was magical? Wait till your second.